The Sardinians

In this laugh-out-loud sports parody inspired by the church in Sardis, a semi-pro hockey team is gearing up for the big game—but not everyone is putting in championship-level effort. While a few players give their all, others are coasting on past glory, more concerned with nicknames and old stats than the puck in play. The rookie’s enthusiasm collides with the veterans’ egos, the coach’s patience wears thin, and the clock is ticking toward the final whistle.

Will teamwork win out over self-promotion? Or will they fumble (or rather, mishandle the puck) when it matters most?
Based on Revelation 3:1–6, The Sardinians is a sharp, funny reminder that faith—like sports—takes daily effort, not just fond memories of “back in the day.”

• Run-time: ~5 minutes

• Cast Number: 4 or more (male or female)

• Set: Players’ bench at an ice hockey game (actors seated close together)

• Sound: Taped sounds of whistle blowing, crowd noise, applause

• Costumes: Hockey jerseys.

Special Instructions: An important part of this drama is to “act and react” as hockey players. Watch live or televised action of a hockey game and see how players will watch / react as the play moves from one end of the ice to another, will react when a goal is scored for them or against them, and particularly watch the gliding action as players skate. This kind of mimed action is critical to the believability of the drama.

Note that although this drama is written with an ice hockey theme, it could be modified to be any sport such as soccer, football, basketball or virtually any team sport.

Sample Script

[Players “skate” on stage, shouting encouragement to each other. They take their seats on the bench. Coach follows and stands behind the players.]

Rookie: Let’s go Sardines!

Alice: Excuse me, Rookie, the team name is… Sardinians! As in the ice hockey team sponsored by Sardinian Manufacturing Company.

Amanda: Might better call us “Sardines” at that, the way we are packed into this player’s bench! I mean, can’t they afford decent rinks for us to play in? After all, we are a semi-pro hockey team!

Rookie: I know that this will make me sound like a rookie… which I am… but what does semi-pro mean anyhow?

Alice: Means we are highly skilled and trained athletes—stars who are paid to come to the rink and keep all these fans on the edge of their seats. That’s what semi-pro means, Rookie!

Amanda: I doubt that getting free all-you-can-eat ribs once a year at the Greasy Spoon All Night Diner qualifies us as semi-pro.

[Rookie looks around.]

Rookie: Can I ask a question, Amanda? When do the fans show up? And who are the stars on this team, anyways?

Alice: I will have you know that I am Alice Smith—or as the world knows me… Slapshot Smith.

Amanda: You mean… the world used to know you! Been years since your slapshot caused goalies sleepless nights.

[Alice pulls out a piece of paper.]

Alice: Care to read my lifetime stats, you… you… (contemptuously) hockey player wannabe, Amanda Adams! You just might notice that I led the league in goals and assists three years ago!

Amanda: And since then… nothing!

Alice: Well, I have been in a bit of a scoring drought the last little bit… but I will bounce back. Old Slapshot has still got it, I tell you!

Coach: Will you guys cut out the talk and get your heads into the game!

[Players watch as the play goes back and forth “on the ice.”]

Rookie: Oh man! The other team has a 3-on-1 break on our net! Puck’s in front of our net! Clear it out of there, guys!… Oh rats… they scored!

[Players react in disappointment.]

Alice: Whatever is going through their mind? Our goalie is playing like a sieve—every shot that goes her way goes right through her!

Coach: Nothing wrong with how Henderson is playing. We just need to help her out, playing the puck in our own end… something you neglected to do in our last game, as I recall, Alice!

Alice: How come Patricia’s line is out there? They are always on the ice. How come we don’t get first shift?

Coach: Because Patricia and her line are our best players—they are giving their all, and they give us our best shot at winning this game.

Alice: May I remind you that when I—Slapshot Smith—came to this team, I was called “The Franchise”… I was the face of this team.

Coach: I am aware of the past, Alice, and it breaks my heart that lately you have rested on your laurels. You are out of shape, and you don’t train hard enough to keep up with the better players.

Alice (hurt): “Better players?” Just a minute here! If that’s what you think of my talents, then maybe I’ll just go join another team! Tons of teams would trade their next three years’ draft picks to get me on their squad, I’ll have you know!

Coach: No one questions your talents, Alice. You proved in the past what you can do if you set your mind to it. But in the last couple of years, you haven’t put in the effort—it seems like you’ve been too busy reading your press clippings to get down to work, to keep your talents at the level needed in this league.

Alice (pouting): Well, I have been playing hurt, you know!

Coach: A broken fingernail doesn’t count as a serious injury, Alice.

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