The Harpers vs Cleavers

“Leave It To Beaver” Cleaver family up against the “Mama’s Family” Harper family in a session of the “Family Feud” game show.

Turns out Mama Harper and June Cleaver went to Sunday school together many years ago but much has changed in the intervening years.

Cast: 12 m or f

• Cleavers:
• Father Ward Cleaver, Jr
• Mother June (Evelyn Bronson Cleaver)
• Son Wally (Wallace)
• Son Beaver (Theodore)
• Friend Eddie Haskell (Edward Clark)
• Harpers:
• “Mama” Thelma Crowley Harper
• son Vint Harper (Naomi’s fourth husband)
• daughter-in-law Naomi Oates Harper (Vint’s second wife)
• sister Fran Crowley (Mama’s sister) single, journalist
• grandson Bubba Higgins (Eunice’s son)
• Others
• Offstage voice of Gene Wood
• Host Richard Dawson
• Applause track, if possible, (find on internet)

Bible Reference: Galatians 5:22

Set:

• Game show set as elaborate as desired, but are not really necessary.
• There are many web sites on the Internet for these TV shows, simply do a search.

Sound: wireless mics if available

Song:

• Midi files of the theme music for these three TV shows are easily downloadable from the internet, or contact DramaShare.

Lighting: standard

SFX:

• find midi files for Family Feud, Leave It To Beaver and Mama’s

Props: none

Costumes: standard

Special Instructions:

• in order to be realistic, it is necessary to have the Harper family quite obnoxious, and this may cause some trepidation for some churches. This quickly gives way to a “softer” Mama by the end of the drama.

Time: 20

Sample of script:

actors are onstage, standing behind separate tables

(Actors are onstage, standing behind separate tables.)

GENE WOOD (voiceover): Welcome to Family Feud! And now, here’s the star of our show—Richard Dawson!

RICHARD D: Thank you, Gene Wood! Good afternoon to our friends at home. Today, two families—different backgrounds. On my right, the Cleaver family. Some of you may remember them from Leave It to Beaver reruns. Let’s have them introduce themselves.

WARD C: Good evening, Mr. Dawson. My name is Ward Cleaver, Jr., and here beside me is my charming wife, June. June and I have had a wonderful marriage and have been blessed with two wonderful boys!

JUNE C: Thanks, darling. Next is our eldest son, Wallace Cleaver. We are so proud of Wallace. Did you know Wallace won third prize in the long jump at his school this week?

WALLY C: Thanks, Mom, but it wasn’t anything really...

JUNE C: Isn’t that just like you, Wallace—always the self-effacing one!

WALLY C: Mom! Please! And it’s Wally!

RICHARD D: Ahhhhh, Wallace, Wally—introductions, please...

WALLY C: Oh, sorry. Beside me is my kid brother, Theodore—except we always just call him Beaver. Well, all of us except Mom—she calls him Theodore. Beaver’s an okay kid... for a little brother, mostly.

BEAVER C: Thanks, Wally. Wally always stands up for me when I get in a jam—which happens quite a bit, actually. Anyhow, I gotta introduce Eddie Haskell. He’s Wally’s best friend, even though I don’t ‘zactly know why on accounta he’s a bit of a rat, mostly. Actually, I wanted my best friend, Larry Mondello, to come here with us, but he couldn’t on accounta him and his mom went to Cincinnati with Larry’s dad, who’s away on business. Anyhow, Eddie, I guess you hafta talk now, but you’ve got nuthin’ to say on accounta there’s nobody else to introduce anymore.

EDDIE H: Look, you little... (pauses, smiles at the camera, then speaks sweetly) That is—it’s just a real treat to be here, Mr. Dawson. I’ve long admired you and your show.

RICHARD D: All right, then. That’s the Cleaver family and friend. We will be back to you in just a minute, after we introduce our other family—the Harpers!

(Turns to the other family.)

RICHARD D: Starting off here with the matriarch of the family, Thelma Harper. Please, may I call you Thelma?

MAMA: Don’t know why you’d wanna! Nobody calls me Thelma—everybody just calls me Mama. Why for would you call me Mama? Look, you’d better not be comin’ on to me, young whipper-snapper!

RICHARD D: Comin’... Thelma... Mama! I beg your pardon!

MAMA: Do all the beggin’ you want, I’m not available. My dead husband, rest his soul—dead and in his grave.

RICHARD D: Mama, I did not mean to sound like I was...

MAMA: I s’pose I’m not good enough for you fancy-schmancy TV types. I’ll have you know that I’ve been around men!

RICHARD D: Errr... introductions, please, Mama. Please. Introduce your wonderful family.

MAMA: Wonderful? Wakey, wakey! Buncha lunatics, that’s what they are—not a brain among them!

RICHARD D: I believe this is your fine son, Vint Harper.

MAMA: Fine son? I don’t think so! Despicable, ask me! But this hunk of despicability is the only son I’ve got, seems like! Vint here—he’s been married twice. What’s he got to show for it?

VINT H: Why, Mama, that’s not fair! Didn’t I give you two lovely grandchildren?

MAMA: Not so’s I’ve ever noticed! Last I saw, all you gave me was those two from your first marriage—before their mother ran off to Vegas to be a showgirl!

VINT H: Now, Mama, don’t you be saying things like that. Anyways, now it’s my pleasure to introduce my sweet wife, Naomi Oates Harper. Naomi is the woman all men want.

MAMA: Can’t argue with you on that one. Last I heard, you’re her fourth husband.

NAOMI H: Oh, Mama, you’re such a tease! (turns to camera) Camera, move a little to the left, would you please? That’s my best side.

MAMA: Move the camera behind her and the TV ratings will soar!

FRAN C: Will you people please stop it? Let me introduce myself. My name is Fran Marie Crowley. I am a journalist, and, well... I am single.

MAMA: Hopin’ to attract the American sympathy vote, I take it.

FRAN C: I refuse to react to that. Next to me is Bubba Higgins—that’s Mama’s youngest daughter Eunice’s son. Bubba is...

MAMA: ...is a con, that’s what he is! His parents slithered off to Florida to live, Bubba’s parole officer won’t let him move, and now he has to stay here with me! Can’t tell me Eunice and Ed didn’t know what they were doing, palming him off on me! Just my luck! Another loser grandson! But what do you expect? Runs in the family! My husband Carl, rest his soul—more useless man never walked the face of this earth, I tell ya!

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