If salvation came packaged like the latest software upgrade, would anyone actually understand it?
In Salvation4.3, a frazzled computer user calls “Heavenly Upgrades” hoping for clarity—but instead gets a painfully cheerful tech agent who’s obsessed with all the wrong things: daily renewals, endless GOOD_WORKS.EXE files, and backup files for the backup files.
It’s salvation-as-software… and it goes hilariously off the rails.
Just when the “help” desk becomes hopeless, the user turns to the audience with the real question at the heart of the comedy:
Isn’t there a better way to salvation?
A lighthearted, tongue-in-cheek skit that points viewers back to the simplicity of the gospel.
Sample Script
the actors are seated at their computers, Laurie dials a number on the phone, phone rings
Kim, picks up phone:
Thank you for calling Heavenly Upgrades, my name is Kim, may I have your first
and last names please.
Laurie: Laurie. . . Laurie Smith.
Kim: Thank you for your response, you said your name was Laurie Laurie Smith,
however we don’t require your middle name for our purposes, may I just call you
Laurie Smith?
Laurie: Yes, well that is my name, Laurie Smith.
Kim: Thank you for your response, but you actually said that your name was Laurie
Laurie Smith.
Laurie: No, you don’t understand, I said my name was Laurie Smith.
Kim: Thank you for your response, but I do have your initial response on tape. You
were informed by a Heavenly Upgrades Help Desk professional at the outset that
our conversation may be taped for quality and training purposes, or for correcting
the customer when they deny making statements, as you just did. . . . Now then
Laurie, (sickeningly helpful), . . how may I assist you?
Laurie: I just downloaded your latest program, “Salvation4.3”.
Kim: Thank you for your response, I . . .
Laurie: Do you realize how annoying that is?
Kim: Thank you for your response, but whatever are you speaking about?Laurie: I am speaking about that irritating “Thank you for your response” thingie that you
say every time you speak!
Kim, annoyed: Well, thank you for your response, but having to say that 6,436 times on average in every 8 hour shift is no walk in the park for me either you know!
Laurie: Then perhaps we can just forget saying it maybe?
Kim: Thank you for your response, but that would be . . very irregular . . I mean that’s
what we go to college to learn.
Laurie: Well, tell you what, seeing as how I am the customer here, lets compromise and
do it my way . . . can the response thingie!
Kim: Whooooa! This is kinda like, fun, almost.
Laurie: Can we move on, Kim?
Kim: Of course. You were saying that you downloaded S Beta . . .
Laurie: No, I said Salvation4.3 . . .
Kim, annoyed: Amateurs! . . Yes, go on . . You had a question I assume, otherwise why would
you disturb me? Now do you have the file opened and ready to proceed?
Laurie: Yes, I do, but first can you tell me what this program does?
Kim: Laurie!. . You are speaking to Technical Support Help Desk! If you wanted
information about the program itself you might have called Sales and not wasted
my time!
