Radio Static

A thoroughly silly radio drama with no intellectual value whatsoever!

The year is 1901 and the world is a-buzz with the miracles of modern technology, including wireless telegraph, sometimes known wireless radio transmission, or as radio, able to carry for as much as 18 miles without scaring farm animals, might even cause Bessie the cow to produce even more milk!

Old time radio dramas are becoming very popular again, join in on the fun! 

Cast: 7 m or f

• 3 narrators
• Yolanda - local pecan pie perfectionist and rattlesnake taxidermist
• Clyde Klipenkanter - singer and yoddler (not known as good)
• Slenderola - town fitness instructor and weight loss guru
• Mortice Montclair - Slenderola's wicked stepmommy

Bible Reference: Ecclesiastes 3:4

Set: standard

Sound: wireless mics if available

Song: none

Lighting: standard

SFX: as required

Props:

• old fashioned microphones and speakers if available

Costumes: standard

Special Instructions:

• Although the actors read the words from the script there needs to be much memorization and rehearsing to make the live show believable without the movement which "makes" normal drama work.

Time: 20

Sample of script:

1: Welcome, welcome!

2: WDOG Radio Atlanta, signing on and showing up.

3: Another wonderful evening of all-star radio drama.

1: All brought your way by Bits Hits, the all-new snack-time sensation sweeping the nation.

2: Bits Hits, like we always say, when your lips say “yeps” and your tummy says “yummy” then you know it just fits 'cause it must be Bits Hits!

3: Bits Hits, made from the finest home-grown down-south, pure ingredients, packed with our special loving care, 'cause we know you’re a-waitin’ out there!

1: All I can say, umm yummm! You just know you gotta try ‘em, so why not go out and buy ‘em?

2: And now, through the miracle of America’s newest phenomenon, wireless radio transmission, we bring you to our feature radio drama presentation.

3: But before we do, a word from our sponsor, Bits Hits! Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, are you feeling down, depressed, dispatched, and distraught? Well, here’s news for you!

1: Bits Hits, the all-new snack-time sensation sweeping the nation!

2: Bits Hits, like we always say, when your lips say “yeps” and your tummy says “yummy” then you know it just fits 'cause it must be Bits Hits!

3: Bits Hits, made from the finest home-grown down-south, pure ingredients, packed with our special loving care, 'cause we know you’re a-waitin’ out there!

1: All I can say, umm yummm! You just know you gotta try ‘em, so why not go out and buy ‘em?

2: And now, back to our riveting radio drama, Build a Better Bridge and the Boys Will Be Back.

3: But before we start, did you know, have you heard, the miracle called radio! Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages! Why, back in 1896, such technology was unheard of, beyond the wildest imagination!

1: So true, so true are you! But now, in this modern era, as we find ourselves in the year of our Lord, nineteen hundred and one, wireless telegraph—or as we have coined the term, “radio”—seems poised to carry the spoken word both far and near.

2: Oh, so, so right! Why, just last week we heard of wireless telegraph signals carried a whopping seventeen miles!

3: And, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages, fear not, it has been exhaustively studied and proven: wireless signals will not cause fright among horses and will not lessen milk production from Bessie the cow.

1: Truth be told, Bessie may well produce milk like never before, should she hear the sonorous and scintillating sounds of the voice of yours truly!

2: My, my, my! Interesting . . . one may even say . . . riveting! Which reminds me of our . . . riveting radio drama, Build a Better Bridge and the Boys Will Be Back.

3: To which we shall return, but first . . . a brief word from the folks who make all this regality a reality . . . Bits Hits! Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, do you long for lengthy levity as you listen to larks lurking on your lawn, not likely to leave?

1: Bits Hits, the all-new snack-time sensation sweeping the nation!

2: Bits Hits, like we always say, when your lips say “yeps” and your tummy says “yummy” then you know it just fits 'cause it must be Bits Hits!

3: Bits Hits, made from the finest home-grown down-south, pure ingredients, packed with our special loving care, 'cause we know you’re a-waitin’ out there!

1: All I can say, umm hummm! You just know you gotta try ‘em, so why not go out and buy ‘em?

2: And now, back to our riveting radio drama, Build a Better Bridge and the Boys Will Be Back.

3: Tonight, in our new episode, we listen as Yolanda, the local pecan pie perfectionist and rattlesnake taxidermist, says . . .

Yolanda: Hey, y’alls, I am Yolanda, the local pecan pie perfectionist and rattlesnake taxidermist, who might y’alls be there?

1: To which her long-lost brother, Clyde Klipenkanter, responds . . .

Clyde, sings: I larned ta yodel when I’s a bitty boy
I cut ma’ ear on Aunt Melinda’s jaw
I thought a polecat was the bestest toy
Until I took him home ta’ meet ma’ maw.
Yoddle adee dee aydee . . .

Yolanda: Why, I do declare! If’n that don’t sound a bunch like my long-lost brother Clyde Klipenkanter! That you, Clyde boy? 'Cause if’n it is, one thing I want fer ta’ tell y’alls is . . .

2: My, my, my! Such truly riveting radio drama, and much, much more to come . . .

3: But first, a word from our sponsor, Bits Hits! Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, are you suffering from seemingly sustained sensations of solid circumstance as several sources of society seem to selectively start storming solicitously serious sympathetic solutions? All is not lost, help is at hand!

1: Bits Hits, the all-new snack-time sensation sweeping the nation!

2: Bits Hits, like we always say, when your lips say “yeps” and your tummy says “yummy” then you know it just fits 'cause it must be Bits Hits!

3: Bits Hits, made from the finest home-grown down-south, pure ingredients, packed with our special loving care, 'cause we know you’re a-waitin’ out there!

1: All I can say, umm yummm! You just know you gotta try ‘em, so why not go out and buy ‘em?

2: And now, back to our riveting radio drama, Build a Better Bridge and the Boys Will Be Back.

3: When we last listened in we heard Yolanda, the local pecan pie perfectionist and rattlesnake taxidermist say . . .

Yolanda: Hey, y’alls, I am Yolanda, the local pecan pie perfectionist and rattlesnake taxidermist, who might y’alls be there?

1: To which her long lost brother Clyde Klipenkanter responded . . .

Clyde, sings: I larned ta yodel when I’s a bitty boy
I cut ma’ ear on Aunt Melinda’s jaw
I thought a polecat was the bestest toy
Until I took him home ta’ meet ma’ maw.
Yoddle adee dee aydee . . .

2: And you may recall that Yolanda’s come back was:

Yolanda: Why I do declare! If’n that don’t sound a bunch like my long lost brother Clyde Klipenkanter! That you, Clyde boy? Cause if’n it is one thing I wants fer ta’ tell y’alls is . . .

3: But whilst all this was happening, little did Yolanda and Clyde realize that . . . .

Yolanda & Clyde: Yes?? Tell us more!

1 & 2: And tell us more too!

3: And so you shall be told, but first . . . .

Yolanda: If’n y’alls trots out another of yore flashy commercials I swear I am gonna hurt you bad!

3, clears throat: What I was about to say was . . . first you must understand that waiting there in the shadows was the town fitness instructor and weight loss guru, Slenderola, and her wicked stepmother, Mortice Montclair. . . .

Yolanda: I tell you this fer a fact, you yakkin’ about a glass slipper I am gonna smash it to smithereens with my bare hands!

1: To which Slenderola explained:

Slenderola: Welcome to Castle Fitness and Chimney Sweeping. Our special of the week is Lo-Cal wheat thins smothered in charcoal dust, truly a charming prince of a diet aid.

2: Slenderola’s wicked stepmother, Mortice Montclair was beside herself with anger and said . . .

Mortice: I am beside myself with anger. . . . . so if I am beside myself . . who is here where I thought I was when I was where I was before I moved here beside myself? (laughs a wicked witch laugh)

Slenderola: Oh Stepmommy, you promised not to scare my clients again, how am I to make my fortune and buy swell new glass. . . that is . . . alligator leather slippers?

Yolanda: Playin’ with fire there aintcha, Slendergal?

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