Easter According to Niles and Raymond

Easter with Niles and Maris Crane, Raymond and Debra Barone

With their family and friends muddle through planning for Easter when unplanned visitors come along. A comedy look at how society views the Easter celebrations, could be standard or dinner theatre.

Cast:  12

• Ray Barone
• Brenda Barone
• Niles Crane
• Maris Crane
• Frank Barone
• Marie Barone
• James the butler
• Slapshot Stevens
• the Easter Egg
• Eddie the Eagle,
• the Easter Rabbit
• Dan, the preacher

Bible Reference:    Luke 24

Set:

• living room at the Crane home, very richly appointed
• Act II is the same but a large table with empty plates

Lighting:        standard

Sound:     wireless mics

Song:     none

SFX: none

Costumes:

• Cranes and James would be well dressed
• Barones more plainly dressed

Props:

Special Instructions:   none

Time: 60 minutes

Sample of script:

ACT I

Maris is sitting at the table going through mail, Niles enters from stage right

Maris: Dr. Crane, how nice to see you home.

Niles thoroughly wipes his shoes on the mat then moves to Maris, leans down as though to kiss, they come within a foot of each other, make gestures as though kissing, move apart again . . leave time for audience laughter as Niles picks up mail, goes through it

Niles: Maris, dear, I really do feel as though your formality, while admirable, could be construed as excessive. I truly must insist that you please call me Niles, after all we have been married for many years now.

Maris: I understand your preference Dr. Crane, errrrr, Niles, but it seems to me that we need to maintain a certain decorum, for the children you know.

Niles, does double take: But dearest, we have no children.

Maris: You are technically right, however . . .

Niles, shocked: You are not saying that you are . . we are . . .

Maris: Oh my no, no, you can be assured that should that happen I would immediately inform you via email.

Niles: Well, I assumed so, you were always the considerate one, considerate to a fault, yes, indeed. But then why do you insist on this rather strange compulsion to call me Dr. Crane rather than Niles?

Maris: Well should children come into our lives I would feel uncomfortable that they might hear me call you by your given name. And it seems dreadfully premature to refer to you as . . . “Daddy”.

Niles holds back of his hand to his forehead, rocks unsteadily on his feet

Niles: Oh my, the very thought nearly brought on my Papaphobia.

Maris: Papaphobia?

Niles: Yes dear, my fear of becoming a father.

Maris: As your loving and supportive wife I would never correct you, however I have it on good authority that Papaphobia is actually fear of the Pope.

Niles: Are you sure?

Maris: Quite sure my husband. But enough of phobias, how was your day at the practice?

Niles: Absolutely exhausting! Being a psychiatrist is incredibly demanding.

Maris: Poor dear! What was the ailment of the day?

Niles: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Maris: You saw a patient who is suffering OCD?

Niles, frowns: Noooo! My brother Frasier came to my office, he believes that I show classic signs of obsessive compulsive disorder. Ridiculous! (thinks) Did I clean the dust off my feet when I came in the house? (rushes to the mat and thoroughly wipes his feet)

Maris: Yes dear you did, passionately, I might say. What did Frasier have to say about your obsessive compulsive behavior . . .?

Niles turns around abruptly, holds up hand, is about to respond, Maris quickly continues

Maris: Which you do not have, I assure you.

Niles: It is quite frustrating is what! Frasier makes a big deal out of the fact that I have an extensive tongue depressor collection.

Maris: But Niles, it could seem rather strange, you are a psychiatrist, not a general practitioner, psychiatrists normally do not look down their patient’s throats, thus not normally requiring tongue depressors.

Niles, smiles, coy: GP’s look in their patient’s mouths, psychiatrists look in their patient’s wallets. (waits expectantly looking at Maris) Do you get it? It’s a psychiatric joke.

Maris, slaps her side, never breaks a smile: Niles, you are such a card!

Niles, self conscious working at fingers: Well, I must admit, I did tell that one quite good joke while in medical college, see it was all about Bill Gates and the psychiatrist who . . .
doorbell

Maris: Pardon me for breaking in on your intriguing story Niles, I unfortunately neglected to tell you that I invited the Barones next door for coffee tonight, I hope you don’t mind.

Niles: No, not at all Maris, providing that you promise me you didn’t overdo it and over-exert your frail self.

Maris: Well, it did require informing the servants to prepare for two additional people at the table but, such is my role as lady of the house.

Niles, sincere sympathy, holding Maris’ hand: My poor pumpkin! How awful for you it must have been . . ..

doorbell

Maris, makes move to stand up, Niles holds up hand to stop her: Do not move a muscle, you have done quite enough, I shall look after this! (calls out) James, will you answer the door please?