Christmas Encounters of a Fresh Kind

Has Christmas come to seem kinda, well, . . .

Kinda blah, unexciting, tedious, old hat? Well perhaps you need . . .

Christmas Encounters of a Fresh Kind . .

A humorous monologue, written for a standup Christian comedienne, about a woman considering changes to her tacky Christmas decorations, when she is challenged to have a fresh look at why she is celebrating the season.

Cast: 1 female middle age
Bible Reference: Luke 19:10
Set: Bare
Sound: wireless mic
Song: none
Lighting: as available
SFX: none
Props: garbage can, decorations, ornaments
Costumes: housework clothes
Special Instructions: none
Time: 10

Sample of script:

actress comes on stage, looks around the stage area

Oh man! These old Christmas decorations really gotta go!

suddenly sees the audience

Hey, you startled me, didn’t see you there, here I am dressed in my . .  Hey, I got an excuse, pre-Christmas cleaning. . don’t want for your to think I go wandering around my house dressed like this always, I mean I got designer clothes just like you and I . .

OK, so most of my clothes are “George” brand, but fact is they are the better quality Walmart, OK?

pauses as though listening to a question from the audience

What am I up to today?‘Bout five foot three, (give exact height), actually. . . .
chuckles at her own joke, then short pause.
It was a little joke, OK?

short pause

OK, so it was a very little joke. What do you expect, that I should be the neighbourhood Phyllis Diller maybe?  Anyhow, like I was saying, some of these Christmas decorations, they simply gotta go!  Been in the family for like a gazillion years. . . . Mayflower actually.

short pause, looks out to audience

Mayflower . . . Belonged originally to my husband’s grandparents . . Jake and Amy Mayflower . . who gave them to my husband’s parents . . . who . . (holds the decorations tentatively with fingertips) . . ummm . . lovingly . . downloaded them to us at the appointed time . . . a time when we couldn’t very well refuse. 

drops decorations in a garbage can 

Regardless, I do believe the time has come for a new look Christmas . . kinda out with the old, in with the new kinda thingie. 

I was thinkin’ maybe the computer programmed LED digitized Rockem Sockem “’Twas the Night Before Christmas” Best-Buy Extravaganza that’s been advertised on TV at only $399.99, plus shipping and handling, of course. I mean is that baby way out there or what? I can imagine the Andersons across the street turning green when we plug that sucker in! 

Can’t you hear the music now? 

sings loud and off key 

We wish you a modern Christmas
We wish you a modern Christmas
We wish you a modern Christmas
Make a million bucks this year!

Doncha love those motivational messages? 

pauses, listens to a voice from the audience 

The old, traditional Christmas? 

Well, yes, kinda nice to remember that but, hey, I mean, these are like modern times, time marches on, know what I mean? 

I mean no one lives back in the middle ages, I mean like even Santa Claus he’s like changed as far as . . 

Wait, that’s a bad example, . . . 

It’s just that things change, I mean, sure, I remember back when I was a kid, we had the “old” Christmas. . Sunday School concert . . . everybody goes to church . . sing Christmas carols . . the whole nine yards . . 

Hey, but we still go to church . . not every Sunday . . but at Christmas . .mostly . . not always, I mean, Christmas is a busy season what with . . . 

And look, I always, . . mostly, . . toss a buck or two in the Salvation Army kettle . . gotta keep them bells ringin’, you know what I am sayin’, right? . . Mostly I do . . 

So, like, maybe we don’t celebrate Christmas like in the olden days but, really, mostly, the important parts of Christmas, they are front and center in our family . .